How To Survive European Travel: Use These 10 Movie Tips

Ever since Jimmy Stewart learned too much in The Man Who Knew Too Much, cine-Americans traveling blithely through Europe have all too conspicuously stumbled onto shadowy intrigue. It generally involves at least one Euro-hottie and more than a few ill-shaven guys with guns who don’t care that you don’t know what they think you know. Author Matthew Grimm has culled a short travel guide from the canon of Europe-set suspense thrillers, including the above-mentioned Hitchcock yarn and more, to serve as your warning/guide.

1 Do not go to Europe with friends or loved ones.

THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH, Doris Day, James Stewart, 1956.

Everett Collection

They will be abducted or gruesomely murdered. Bad start to any vacation, as learned by Maggie Grace in Taken (2008), Harrison Ford in Frantic (1988), and Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day in The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956).

2 Take the silliest, most garish luggage ever and cuff it on.

Everett Collection

Misplacing your bag or mistaking it for someone else’s inevitably plants you amid criminal enterprises. Consult Ford (Frantic) and Liam Neeson (Unknown, 2011).

3 Never befriend any friendly European.

HOSTEL, Derek Richardson, Jay Hernandez, Eythor Gudjonsson, 2005,

©Screen Gems/Courtesy Everett Collection

Their travel tips are horrifically dangerous, they tell you stuff that criminals don’t like you knowing, and having intimate relations with them will eventually abet someone’s gruesome murder. Just ask Stewart (The Man Who Knew Too Much), Jay Hernandez (Hostel, 2005) and Grace (Taken).

4 Stay the hell away from water and rivers.

As Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity (2002), Ford (Frantic) and Neeson (Taken) can attest, scenic stone bridges over the Seine are absolute hot spots for shadowy forces to set up meets and make exchanges. Better avoid these the same way you do dark alleys.

5 That venerable old buddy you can trust?

TAKEN, Liam Neeson (right), 2008. TM and

Yeah, don’t trust that guy. Neeson discovers no less than twice, in both Taken and Unknown, that his calm, familiar ports in a foreign storm are compromised jerks. Take their counsel warily and refer back to Rule 3.

6 Only trust an initially unfriendly dame just trying to get by.

Proletarian women totally disinterested in your issues are somehow the ones who come through in the clutch. OK to get intimate with them afterward. As per Franka Potente (Bourne), Emmanuelle Seigner (Frantic), Angelina Jolie (The Tourist) and Diane Kruger (Unknown).

7 When in doubt, assume you’re involved in some Rube Goldberg-esque assassination plot.

Stewart (The Man Who Knew Too Much), Ford (Frantic), Damon (Bourne) and Neeson (Unknown) could have saved some time with a basic assumption: Once you stumble into international intrigue, suss out which foreign government bigwig is visiting the country in question, and chances are your travail involves guys intent on killing said bigwig. What you do once you figure it out becomes problematic, however, since you should probably …

8 Avoid local authorities.

The rare European authorities not totally in bed with shadowy forces are half-lidded sardonic asses who don’t believe any American’s preposterous tale of intrigue — or just stink at their jobs wholesale. See Frantic, Taken, The Tourist, Unknown and Hostel. Which is fine, because …

9 DIY!

As most of our leads discovered, being an unassuming American means you have latent detective, martial arts and/or weapons aptitudes. Doris Day, super-sleuth! Said skills kick in a third to halfway into your particular bout of intrigue. This might also be explained by Rule 10.

10 If grappling with identity issues, don’t trust your former self.

As Matt Damon (Bourne) and Neeson (Unknown) found out, discovering you were somebody else before isn’t all bad, as being subsumed by your faux identity often makes you a better person. This also means endangered loved ones may not have been actual loved ones, or endangered, so win-win.

This feature was written by Matthew Grimm, and originally published in one of our sister publications, Channel Guide Magazine.

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