Opinion: Pretty Sneaky, Sis.

Connect Four

Ha ha! Got ya! Four across!

I can’t believe I beat you in the minimum four moves, Sis. Maybe Connect Four just isn’t the game for you. Maybe Candy Land or Chutes & Ladders would be better suited to your abilities. You know, games that don’t require any strategy or skill.

You want to play again? Really? Have you not suffered enough humiliation? So be it, Sis. Game on!

Loser — also known as YOU — goes first.

I’ll ask you to please hurry up so I can defeat you and get back to my Rubik’s Snake.

Interesting strategy, Sis. But you’ve tipped your hand too soon. You’ve succeeded only in delaying the inevitable. On the vast savannah of Connect Four, you are a wounded gazelle and I am a pride of lions closing in for the kill.

I have three across! Victory is nigh! Time to deliver the coup de grâce.

It’s not personal, Sis, it’s merely … WHAT?

Where? I can’t …

DIAGONALLY! What chicanery is this? That can’t be a legitimate Connect Four. Let me see the rules of play. Hand me the box lid!

See, it says right here. “Four in a row — horizontal.” “Four in a row — vertical.” … “Four in a row — DIAGONAL!”

SON OF A BISCUIT!! I protest! I’ve been buncoed! This cannot stand!

OK. Calm down. I can be civil about this. I can be gracious. I don’t have to win all the time, just as the school therapist said, the quack. I can give you backhanded compliment that acknowledges neither your victory nor my defeat.

Pretty sneaky, Sis.

But you haven’t yet learned the definition of sneaky, Sis. Mark my words, for as long as I draw breath, you will suffer the wrath of my sneakiness!

I will curry favor with our parents, methodically exalting myself while disparaging you. I will cast aspersions on you to all of your associates, and vilify you in the presence of your teachers. I will tell all of your potential suitors about your foul odor and even more foul temperament. I will flourish while you wither!

And then, 40 years from now, when I have ascended to the pinnacle of prosperity and to the apex of achievement, I shall look down upon you as you cradle your crushed hopes and dreams in the waste bin of life, and I shall gloat.

Pretty sneaky, Sis. Pretty sneaky indeed.